Friday, May 20, 2011

How to Make a Thoughtful Birthday Card by Butchering Terrible Drug Store Cards


Greeting cards are horrible. They're so bad. But making your own card requires effort and creativity and if it doesn't turn out well you feel ashamed when you give it to somebody, even if it's just your least favorite aunt. Recently while trying to decide what to get somebody while at work, I bought as many greeting cards as I could afford and forced them into one huge card that may have actually convinced the recipient--a friend, not an aunt--that I care about her.

I probably don't know you so just pretend you're opening this right now:


It wouldn't fit in the envelope! So I had to cut it open at the seams and then re-tape it shut in a way that made the envelope slightly bigger.















After getting through all those envelopes and tacky animal covers and a boat, the middle is blank. Sucks for you. No just kidding, keep going.




All three of the pages after the center said "HAPPY BIRTHDAY" and maybe a stupid message so I whited out everything except the necessary word on each page.

There's nothing special about the back except the staples.

So try that when you need to get a card quickly and everything at the store is making you feel horrible about the human condition.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH



Friday, May 6, 2011

Are You Master of Your Domain? No, Because You're Not Running for President Anymore So You Don't Care (Update).

NOTE: This is not the up-to-date master list of domains I own.

Here's an update about all the political domain names I've been squatting. As I said, most of the good ones were taken, so don't think you're some genius because you think you thought of something like PAWLENTYDANIELS.COM and I didn't. Instead, just think you're a genius because of self-serving bias like most people do.

Here are all of them again, except for a couple I've left out because I don't want you to know about them, sorry. They've been marked based on their viability for the 2012 cycle.

ANDREW2016.COM
BAYH2012.COM
BIDEN-CLINTON.COM
BIDENCLINTON.NET
BLOOMBURG2012.COM
BLOOMBURG2016.COM 
BUSHBROWN.COM
BUSHCAIN.COM
BUSHROMNEY.COM
CLINTONBIDEN.COM
DANIELS-2012.COM
DANIELS-JINDAL.COM
DANIELSBUSH.COM
DEMINT2012.NET
GINGRICH-2012.NET
HUCKABEE-DANIELS.COM
HUCKABEEBAYH.COM
JINDAL-2012.NET
JINDAL-BROWN.COM
JINDALPENCE.COM
JINDALROMNEY.COM
JINDALTHUNE.COM
JINDEL2012.COM

JOE2016.COM
KUCINICH2016.COM
MARTIN2016.COM

NADER2016.COM
OBAMA-CLINTON.NET
PAWLENTY-THUNE.COM
PAWLENTYBAYH.COM
PAWLENTYBUSH.COM
PAWLENTYCAIN.COM
PENCE-2012.COM
PENCEBUSH.COM
PENCEDANIELS.COM
PENCEHUCKABEE.COM
PENCEROMNEY.COM
PENCERYAN.COM
PENCETHUNE.COM

ROMNEYBAYH.COM
ROMNEYHUCKABEE.NET
ROMNEYPALENTY.COM
ROMNEYPAWLENTY.NET
ROMNEYTHUNE.NET
RYAN-2012.COM
SANTORUM-2012.COM
THUNE-HUCKABEE.COM
THUNE-PAWLENTY.COM
THUNE-ROMNEY.COM
THUNEBAYH.COM
THUNECAIN.COM
THUNEPAWLENTY.COM
THUNEROMNEY.NET






I've struck a line through every domain that was intended to be used for 2012, but is now irrelevant to that cycle because the presidential candidate has dropped out of the race. These domains may still be useful for 2016. Additionally, almost any candidate who has said he won't be running for president in 2012 could feasibly change his mind, especially with media constantly saying that the Republican field is so weak. As you can see, the three candidates I got the best domains for were Bobby Jindal, Mike Pence, and John Thune. All three of them have dropped out. I still believe all three of them could have been strong contenders for the nomination and if they were all still in the race, I would have a decent shot at hitting the presidential domain squatting lottery and making five or six figures.

Domains that were always intended to be used for the 2016 cycle have been faded.

Many of the ones that are left are intended for scenarios that at this point are pretty unlikely. Evan Bayh probably won't run for president with either party, and it's doubtful that Hillary Clinton will both challenge and defeat Barack Obama for the nomination in 2012 and then pick Biden as her running mate. Even if she does, I'll have a hard time justifying selling a domain to the party I support (over Republicans) for possibly hundreds of thousands of dollars. Maybe I would sell it and then donate everything to charity, I don't know. 

A lot of the domains are significantly devalued as well because they have hyphens or are .nets instead of .coms. These websites could probably be sold for low four figure or at least high three figure prices. They could still be worth much more if I build up their Google page ranks and make fun of the candidates, as I'm doing with Santorum 2012.

I think there's still a decent chance that Jeb Bush will run. 

I said in an earlier post that I think Herman Cain is a reasonably likely vice presidential pick. That's why I think PAWLENTYCAIN.COM might be my best shot at making dollar-sign-eyeball money. Because the talking faces have branded Pawlenty as The Boring Candidate, he may be interested in compensating by choosing Cain, who has an interesting background for a Republican and whose tacky and stale quips and sayings are considered the height of wit by the people he speaks at.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Santorum 2012 on First Page of Google Search Results

My newest project, Santorum 2012, is now on the first page of results when you search for 'santorum 2012' with Google. A few days ago it was actually the fourth result, but it's slipped to the bottom of the page now. Still, there's no way Rick Santorum, or at least his campaign manager, isn't seeing it.

5/3 update: All right, Google spiders, what gives? We've been bumped back to the third page already? That doesn't even make sense. We were on the second page before the spike of visitors that got us onto the first page.

5/11 update: Wow, I really don't even know where the site comes up in the search results anymore. It appears on a different page on each different computer or phone I use. Google also seems to be showing the wrong meta description again, the old one.

Post-Bin Laden Twitter Round-Up

I know that everybody on the internet had something clever and original to say about bin Laden and Obama. I must have read 50 hilarious death certificate jokes the other night.

Still, shut up, it was an important event and I wanted to say stuff so I did and here are all my tweets from that night:

 Jeremy Peter Green 
Do you hear that...the terrorist attacks have stopped.....


 Jeremy Peter Green 
Whatever, George W loosened Osama up for him. Plus he killed hundreds of thousands of people trying to find him so credit where credit's due


 Jeremy Peter Green 
Republicans and feminists: "Obama belittles sexual assault of Lara Logan by dropping a huge news turd on her."


 Jeremy Peter Green 
We finally killed the guy who murdered 3,000 civilians! We had to kill 100 times as many civilians to do it, but it was mos def worth it


 Jeremy Peter Green 
Since I work at an intelligence contractor I hope we have a pizza party tomorrow...   


 Jeremy Peter Green 
Guy in October of 2001 being told that we'll catch Osama in 2011: "Haha yeah right, there's no way it'll take ten years to find the 9/11er."


(In response to this tweet by Michael Ian Black: Can't wait to find out who the new supervillain is.


 Jeremy Peter Green 
@  Him

Next day:
 Jeremy Peter Green 
Look, guys, the MLK quote isn't real. It doesn't even sound like MLK and it's not a good quote, it's actually pretty cheesy. 

Sunday, May 1, 2011